April 2006

The Way Old Friends Do

I'm feeling sooo happy. I'm meeting up with two old friends in Karlsruhe. Anja lives there, but she used to live where I grew up, and Susie, the other friend, still does. I haven't seen them in a very long time.

I was 16 or 17 when I met them for the first time. On one hand we were so different, but we got along excellently. I was a teenager and they were both in their thirties, I didn't know that I'm gay, but wasn't interested in girls either, I was a virgin, still lived with my parents, Anja lived together with her boyfriend, Susi was married and had a 8 year old boy. We were completely different on the outside, but on the inside we were connected and very similar. I loved both of them as friends. They were the first ones I came out to. And they helped me get a life. They were the ones I talked to about my crushes, and they were the only ones I felt comfortable with each and every second.

We had many nice BBQs, picknicks, walks, talks, laughs and booze-ups together in the past. And we were literally rolling on the floor laughing (sober).

When I moved to Stuttgart and Anja moved to Karlsruhe, unfortunately we didn't meet up anymore. But today was the big reunion. Husbands and partners were not allowed, just the three of us. Girls night :-)

They're both looking so beautiful, I was amazed. They're even looking younger than last time.

We had Pizza together, many Tequilas, and we had a blast. I laughed so much, Tequila actually came out of my nose. That really hurts for many minutes, by the way.

We talked a lot, I needed an update on their lives. They didn't know much about my life since 1999. Besides that, it felt like we've never been seperated. We watched some old pictures of us at our parties or at snowboard trips, and we laughed our asses off. You know, fashion and hairstyles have changed during the past 10 years--thank God!

We're all staying in Karlsruhe for the night and tomorrow we're gonna have a relaxed brunch together. Both of them are already sleeping, I'm still laying in my bed, smiling, because I'm so happy to be with them again.

Up, up and away

I'm already late, so here's just a short post. I'm gonna visit two friends from back home. One was the owner of the restaurant by the iron ore mine I used to work. She (Anja) and her best friend Susie were very important friends in those days. They were the first ones I came out to. They supported me and helped me to become more self-confident.
They were the first ones who made me dance in a club, and we laughed so much together. Uhm, they didn't laugh about me dancing. We laughed at other stuff. Although me dancing must be quite funny.

I'm really looking forward to meeting them again, after about 7 years we haven't met. We already had so much fun on the phone when we set up this date.

Ok, now I have to run to catch the train. Have a nice weekend!

Blogoholics Anonymous

I'm afraid I need to join BA (Blogoholics Anonymous). I'm spending so much time on reading other people's blogs, on writing posts, on listening to podcasts. Seems like a serious problem to me. Is there a BA group in my city? Is there a BA group anywhere?

It's gonna be like this:

Me: Hi, my name is Rian, and I'm addicted to blogs.
Group: Hi Rian.
Supervisor: Well, Rian, why don't you tell us a little bit about your life?
Me: Oh, you can read everything about my life on my blog...
Group: Yikes!
Supervisor: Rian, you're not supposed to talk about the "bad thing" in here.
Me: Which "bad thing"? You mean my blog???
Group: Ouch! Yuck!
Supervisor: Yes, Rian, we don't want to hear the B-word in here. So, why are you here?
Me: Well, I realized that I was spending too much time with reading B... uhm ... B... I mean ... the B-Thingy...
Supervisor: You mean the Bible, right?
Me: No, I was talking about Blogs...
Group: Ewww!
Me: Sorry, I did it again.
Supervisor: You know what this means, Rian. You have to stand in the corner and think about your uncondonable behaviour. And you're gonna stand there for the entire Sunday.
Me: No! It's "What city sunday" over at Ryan and Mike's.
Group: Jesus!
Supervisor: Ok, we just add another day.
Me: Just for mentioning a Blog???
Group: Holy crap! (some of them are closing their eyes and holding their ears while humming a little tune)
Supervisor: Ok, until Tuesday.
Me: So, no Comment Game at Larry's for me this week. That's a pity.
Group: Damn! Keep your temper!
Supervisor: ... until Wednesday.
Man #1: We're gonna meet up on hump day? Who's gonna publish my hump day post?
Supervisor: Do you wanna end up like Rian. Look at him, he's still into the B-word. Disgusting!
Man #1: You can kiss my mike ... uhm ... ass!
Me: Seriously, don't get entangled too much.
Supervisor: Argh! Both of you will stand in the corner until Half Nekkid Thursday.
Me: Did you just say Half Nekkid Thursday???
Supervisor: No, you did! I don't know anything about HNT, and I don't read Brad's Blog either.
Me: I do!
Group: Bloody hell!

Brain Dump 1.0

There are quite a few things I just want to get out of my brain. Well, things I want to express without writing a big post. Just tiny bits. So here's my first brain dump.

  • Grandpa's surgery was ok. He woke up again and is getting better.
  • I actually talked to Timo on the phone yesterday. First time in many months. And it was kind of nice. And we didn't yell at each other. Big step forward.
  • My radio station finally set up a web stream. So our show will conquer the whole world. At least those who speak German. To be honest, now everybody can hear how dorky I sound on our show. Whatever.
  • I spent about $100 at an online shop buying a load of Altoids Cinnamon Strips. By the way, Altoids' Homepage is awesome. And very entertaining. Good work. (Well, unfortunately I don't get paid for this announcement)
  • Days until I see the first batch of my friends from NYC: 27
  • This subway thing is bugging me again. And once again they added another fee. Now I'm just gonna pay. I know I'm not guilty but I think they just do this because I'm an alien. Short version: They don't respond to my mails and then issue me a fine for my failure to respond. They said they've sent me some forms to fill out, but I never got them. Funnily enough, the tickets do arrive anyways.

Bye bye, Timo. Bye bye ...

I was talking about my former best friend Timo on my blog before. We got along so well. He was such a great buddy. Timo and I did many things together. And we talked on the phone for hours every day.

But sometimes you (i.e. me, but also him) don't appreciate things enough. Things like friendship. And sometimes two people just move on, leaving their friendship behind. I have, like, no contact with Timo anymore. We meet each other once a month but we don't really talk to each other anymore.

On one hand I'm really sad that this happened, and I'm missing an important friend. On the other hand I'm thinking it's supposed to be like that. Maybe we've just changend and we don't have anything in common anymore. But there still was a spark of hope we can fix our issues and it's gonna be like before.

Today I've got an email from him. It wasn't even a mail for me. It was a mail to all the people he knows. He's gonna move to another town in another state in May. I guess that's it.

I mean, I knew it before. Some other friends told me about his plans. Yet again, the fact I knew it because other people told me is another indicator for us not being friends anymore.

Worst thing: I'm not sure how I'm really feeling about that yet. I mean, of course I'm gonna miss him. But I'm already missing him for about 9 months. It won't change much. I'm not gonna miss him, I already got over it. Did I? I don't know. Him moving away bothers me more than I thought it would. And maybe even more than it should.

Although he doesn't know about my blog: Timo, I wish you good luck for your start in a new city. I regret we're not close friends anymore, I had a great time with you. I hope we stay in touch, or better, I hope we're getting in touch again soon. May your new life always be prosperous, your career successful, and your relationship perfectly happy.

Surgery (again)

Just a tiny update on Gramps: He's gonna have another surgery tomorrow in the early morning and he didn't feel very good today. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Update: Surgery was successful, he's feeling ok.

Grandpa knows

Today I've been visiting Grandpa at the hospital. He was the last one who didn't know about my "secret", which was ridiculous since I'm very out, I host a gay radio show and write a lot for a German gay newspaper.

Grandpa said he's feeling better, but I could see he's in pain. He had surgery last Tuesday. When my Mom went out of the room to talk to a doc, I had a conversation with Grandpa.

Grandpa: So, is he American or German?
Me: ???
Grandpa: Your boyfriend ... Is he American or German? Is he the reason you're going to America that often?
Me: Uhm ... Uh ... I ...
Grandpa: As long as he's not Bavarian it's ok *laughs*

My Grandparents are very important to me. Grandpa's not feeling very well and I'm afraid he'll die in a few months, which makes me really sad. But I'm so relieved he's got to know the real me and he's ok with it.

My family is sooo cool. I just love them all!

Grandma knows

I said earlier that I'm out to everybody. Well, that wasn't really true. It's more a "I'm out to everybody except my grandparents". My family thought that they're a different generation and we were afraid my grandparents won't really understand. So all my aunts and uncles, cousins and everybody else knows, many of them even met my former boyfriend, except Grandma and Grandpa. I love them very much, they're perfect grandparents, but I was always a little bit afraid what might happen if they find out.

I was talking to my Mom on the phone. She said she had a chat with Grandma before.

Grandma: Is he still together with that guy in Stuttgart.
Mom: You mean Sven? Yes, they're roomies.
Grandma: Roomies? They're not a couple anymore?
Mom: Uhm ... not anymore.
Grandma: So, do you think there's a chance you'll get grandchildren now?
Mom: No, I don't think so. He's already seeing someone else.
Grandma: Why doesn't he introduce his friend to us.

Uhm ... my grandparents are cooler than I thought.

In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the Rian sleeps tonight

I thought a human brain dreams at night to cope with all the things that happened during the day or that bothers us. And I thought that we're not supposed to remember the weird things that happen in our head while we were sleeping. That's why you don't remember most of your dreams. I thought you only remember your dream when you wake up before it is over.

This night I was enlighted. I got a bad cramp in my calf and woke up during a dream. The first thing I was thinking was "Ouch! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Damn cramp!". And then "Oh my! My dreams are so fucking boring." If I hadn't sleept during the dream, I'd have been falling to sleep that very instant.

Why can't I dream of exciting escapes, nice or funny stories? I was literally shocked about how boring and irrelevant my dreams are.

It's spring

Ribbons, blue, from Springtime’s hand
flutter now through Zephyr’s regence;
sweet and well remembered fragrance
ominously sweeps the land.

Violets dream-bound
prone to shy appearing.
- Hark, from far a gentle harping sound!
Springtime, yes, it’s you
that I have been hearing!
-- Eduard Mörike, rhyming translations into English by Bertram Kottmann

This is a very beautiful German poem by Eduard Mörike who lived in my area from 1804 to 1875. Every year in spring I think I can feel what he has felt many years before.

I love spring. It's just great to see all the trees and flowers waking up. The first two pictures are taken in Stuttgart in a park. Unfortunately it was late in the evening and they look a little bit cold and dark, but it was a lovely day.
This picture shows apple blossoms in my Dad's garden in 2005.

Grandpa's Surgery

I'm still in the country, staying with my mother, not having real internet access, and I'm gonna stay here for two additional days. Hence, here's another post from my cell phone.

Today I visited my Grandpa. He's gonna have surgery on Tuesday. He's suffering from diabetes and they're gonna cut off a toe, or maybe a leg. They don't know yet. So when he wakes up again, he'll either miss a toe or a leg. He's like always, he laughs, but you can feel that he's afraid. He's 81 years old and they've already cut off another toe last year. My Mom, her brothers and sister are afraid he won't survive the surgery since his condition isn't very good.

Today all family members gathered at my grandparents' house for having coffee together. Although we laughed a lot and talked about nice moments in the past, everybody was trying to ignore the fear that this might be the last time together. It's very weird--and sad.

I've always loved my grandpa very much. I had much fun with him, he played a lot with me when I was younger, and I remember that I often said "I wanna be like you when I'm grown up" when I was in kindergarten.

Since I know about his severe diabetes, I'm afraid of being like him in that way and suffer from diabetes, too. I have my blood tested twice each year to make sure I'm healthy. And thank God I still am, and my Doc says I needn't be afraid, everything looks good.

I'm afraid of losing my grandpa soon, silent tears ran down my cheeks when my uncle called to let us know about the surgery. I hope grandpa will wake up after surgery, and I hope they'll only remove a toe.

Grandpa, I love you.

The One About The Open Day

I remember the open days at school. My parents came, I showed them my projekts, and they were very proud of me. Not only because of my projects, but also the way I presented them and how I talked to all the people.

Yesterday there was an open day at my Mother's practice. She and her staff prepared a lot for the visitors. Each room was dedicated to a different topic, they had many models, figures and slides, they had a lottery for the kids, a huge buffet and many treats. They've invited many guests. I was responsible for one of the rooms myself, I showed many different computer aided listening comprehention tests to the visitors. It was a lot of fun, many guests came, many children, even the major showed up and talked to my Mom about how he appreciates her good work and how important my Mom's practice is for his town. You know, politicians talk a lot, but anyway, it's nice.

And after that day was over and we cleaned up the work of many weeks, I was really exhausted, but also very proud of my Mom, she did such a great job, and her staff as well, they've been working very hard for this day and it was great. I guess it's the same feeling my parents felt when they came to the open days at school. Funny, how things change ...